Trees

Paddy O'Reilly is driving home after a few pints of Guinness down at the local pub. He turns a corner and, much to his dismay, he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and, almost too late, realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers to his horror that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. Officer O'Malley approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him in mid-sentence and says, "Ah, Jasus, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

A moment of silence...

An Irishman, young Joey Stewart, having had a bit too much to drink, is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"

"Ah, Jasus, thank God for that!" sighs Joey.
"For a minute there, I thought I went deaf!"

What a way to go!

The young and lovely Mrs. Curtis is home making dinner, as usual,
when Peter Green arrives at her door.
"Dear sweet Colleen, may I come in?" he asks, "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Peter.
But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya...
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."

"Oh, God no!" cries the newly married Colleen. "Please don't tell me..."
"It's true. Your husband Sean is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Through her tears, she sobs softly: "How did it happen, Peter?"
"It was terrible. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh dear Jasus! But you must tell me true, Peter. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Colleen....no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Fly in my Guinness

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,
"Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father......!"
The priest says,
"Well, what did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"

A Son Helps His Father

An old Irish man lived alone in the country, County Donegal, it was.
He wanted to dig his potato garden
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Sean, who used to help him,
was in prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


"Dear Sean:
I am feeling pretty bad because
it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Signed: Your Loving Father"


A few days later the old man received a letter from his son:

"Dear Dad:

For heaven's sake, don't be digging up that garden!
That's where I buried the money & stocks.

Love, Sean"

At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police
arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area
without finding any money or stocks.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

"Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Sean"

(Sent to me by David Shefrin, and rewritten for the Irish persuasion.)

Lost Navigator

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators.
The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

(From Airways Magazine June 05 issue, sent to me by Stephen Chang, fellow Waco biplane pilot.)